From
Baystate
Parent Magazine
Feature Articles
February 2008
Time Stressed? Less Sex?
TIPS TO HELP YOU CREATE TIME TO CONNECT WITH YOUR PARTNER
BY Alyson Aiello
Cookies for the Valentine's Day party at school: . Early morning
conference call: . Late night laundry: . Sex: Huh?! Is sex on your
daily to-do list? What about even 10 minutes alone with your
partner? If not, it should be. After all, you're a busy mom these
days - you work, you cook, you clean, and much, much more - so if
you really want that one-on-one time with your partner, you need to
put "love" on your to-do list, and cross it off just like any other
task.
That's what clinical psychologist Louisa Medrano tells the couples
she sees in her Back Bay office.
"Women
- and men - have so many priorities between kids and work that
they're totally exhausted at the end of the day," she says. "There's
no space or time to dedicate to one another and the relationship
gets put on the back burner. It happens to everybody, but people
feel really guilty about it."
Couples
also assume their relationship will adapt on its own when kids enter
the picture. But, Medrano says, nurturing a marriage - especially
while raising young children - takes serious work. In fact, her
advice is to approach your relationship the same way you approach
work. If you think your relationship hasn't met its goals for the
year, you need to make a new business plan. As unromantic as it
sounds, putting it in writing is sometimes necessary.
When you sit down and set relationship goals
together, you're telling one another that the relationship is
important to you. It doesn't have to mean planning a whole weekend
away (though she recommends it); connecting can be as simple as
sharing an uninterrupted cup of coffee or staying awake a little
longer at night to meet between the sheets.
In her 25 years of work, Medrano says most men
complain that their wives don't make time for sex anymore. For men,
sex equals connection so she advises women to respect those needs
and plan for sex.
Think planning steals
the spontaneity and romance of the moment? Not at all, says Medrano.
"It's very romantic," she says, because you're making your mate your
priority and that makes them feel special.
As with any business plan, each member of the
team has a set of tasks to achieve. The husband's job is to tap into
his wife's needs and help create a situation where she can feel more
at peace. That might mean helping out with a few husbandfriendly
household chores, or giving mom the day off one Saturday to
re-energize. Small acts like these are money in the bank.
"It's a complex dynamic because a woman's
sexuality is attached to her heart and her head, and if she doesn't
feel her husband is being sensitive then she won't feel sexually
interested," Medrano says.
Another issue
might be your parenting style. Medrano says one couple she counseled
had allowed their children to take over their lives - there were
neither set bedtimes nor house rules, and the children came to
believe that mom and dad were at their beck and call at all times.
"This sends a message that there are no
boundaries, and that relationships do not deserve respect," she
says.
By setting limits and telling
children that mom and dad need alone time, too, parents not only
help themselves, they also model love and respect.
Diane Hawkins-Clark, a licensed independent
clinical social worker, has been working with couples and families
for nearly 35 years. She reminds her North Shore clients that this
is one chapter in their lives as a couple and that it's a path they
have chosen together, which means they must continue to work as a
team in order to survive the tough times.
"You don't need to lower your expectations of
your relationship, but you need to change them to match the context
this special time," she says. "Things will run smoother when you are
on the same page."
Hawkins-Clark is a
big proponent of supporting one another and being sensitive to one
another's unique needs. For example, if you stay at home with the
children, it might be more difficult for you to relate to the stress
that comes with being the breadwinner, and vice versa. But, both
partners need to learn to read cues and offer emotional support
every day - even if it's just a kind word or a hug.
"It's really about the emotional space a couple
shares," she says.
If the emotional
space has been jeopardized, then the physical time you spend alone
together might be tainted by resentment or anger. However, when the
emotional connection is there, date night becomes a real reward.
"Couples need to understand that they are
journeying along together, and that they can be with each other
rather than at each other," Hawkins-Clark says.
Both Hawkins-Clark and Medrano say that couples
should call on the resources available to them, like friends,
family, and babysitters so that they get some time away from kids
and work. While it's the everyday effort that really matters, a
weekend away or a special dinner is very valuable because it renews
your romantic connection and re-establishes your identity as a
couple.
Time for a Time Makeover
If you're committed to devoting more physical
time to your relationship,
Nancy Black, Certified Professional Organizer and owner of
Organization Plus in Beverly, suggests taking a good look at
your current priorities and being honest about what you can cut from
your schedule. Can't cut anything? Then it's time to re-prioritize.
Black says the first step is identifying those
responsibilities that are fixed and those that are flexible. Once
you've done that, you can make changes to your routine that will
grant you new pockets of time.
For
people who are extremely overscheduled, Black says to start with 15
minutes and go from there. In fact, it's helpful to recognize that
most of your day is broken up into segments of 15 to 30 minutes. For
example, when you set a goal to take down all the Christmas
decorations in one day, you're setting yourself up for failure.
Successful time management is a matter of setting
reasonable expectations of yourself and your family. Black says many
of her clients feel that, even though they have children and a busy
life, their homes should look spotless.
"That's just not realistic," Black says. "There will be toys There
will be some clutter." Instead, she helps busy parents focus on
streamlining their organization centers in the home - such as their
entryways where the bulk of activity occurs. Black, whose services
are detailed on
www.organizationplus.com, offers three-hour makeovers as well as
phone consultations for the very busy.
As for her own experience, Black had three children in the course of
four years, and says her doctor gave her a prescription that changed
her life - he said to get a babysitter once a week. Black and her
husband had very little money then, and even less time. But they
heeded the advice and got out of the house even if it meant going to
the store together or visiting friends for an hour or two. Black,
who is celebrating 25 years in business, is also celebrating a long
marriage.
Freelance writer Alyson Aiello
makes her home in Newburyport with her husband Scott and son Henry.
How Other Moms Make Time
• "Steve and I have struggled to balance family time, baby time,
personal time, and couple time just like everyone else I've ever
talked to who has children. One of the best things we've done though
is to set up a once a month date night. This started regularly after
our son turned one and we felt more confident leaving him with a
baby sitter. It's nice to be able to go out to dinner and have a
'normal' conversation. I've done most of the organizing, but it's
worth it. I feel less like we are two ships passing in the night."-
Calli Towne, married nine years
• "We have been pretty lucky in that our one year old goes to bed
pretty early so as soon as my husband gets home, we both get in our
workout clothes and ride our stationary bikes in the basement
together. It sounds funny, but it's been a great way to connect each
day and get some needed exercise in, too! - Sarah Pike, married
three years
Bay State Parent would love to hear how you find time for you and
your spouse or significant other. E-mail us at
editor@baystateparent.com
